By Lisa Stadler
I imagine there will come a time where I won’t remember how so-fricken-always “just tired,” I was for the last few decades (yes decades). Kind of like, how a mother forgets the pains of child labor, or how painful it is for those few days after braces get tightened. But, right now, I am so grateful to have energy. I love that my laundry is making it in to the wash in a timely manner, and that it doesn’t seem like such a chore to fold it. Much to my dismay, I did not inherit the gene that makes it absolutely unbearable to continue my life if everything in my house is not in order. I have always been jealous of people like that. Cleanliness is next to godliness, they say…I. suppose it’s a good thing I am an atheist, as I would surely be going to hell, right after the people who appear on hoarders shows.
As a young person, while my brother was outside playing with the other kids in the neighborhood on a Saturday or summer afternoon, (as per the rules of our house), I would be in my pajamas, on the couch, watching Punky Brewster, Silver Spoons, and Different Strokes. Yes, I am THAT old, and no these were not Nick at Night reruns. In fact, we didn’t even have Nick at Night yet, and if I got brave and wanted to watch something on PBS (I was a huge Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers fan, well past the time they were meant for me), I would have to manipulate the UHF dial on our TV. For about 15 or 20 minutes before I could alleviate the static enough to actually watch a show. Even, at the ripe old age of 8, I was a master technician. I would watch these programs until I knew it was almost time for my mom to come home from work, and then I would run in, change in to daytime clothing, and “clean” my room. Even then, I was low energy.
As of today, I have gone through 20 treatments of TMS, in 4 weeks, and more than half of the agreed upon sessions. And, you know what? I AM NOT TIRED! I am not sure if someone without depression would be able to understand the implications of this. I have spent so much of my life, thinking I was crazy, or just plain lazy. My thyroid is fine. Blood pressure, fine. Iron, aye-OK. I don’t have diabetes, or pre-diabetes, or even pre pre diabetes. No lupus (it’s never lupus!! until, it is!), or fibromyalgia…none of it. My body, for the most part, is healthy. So, why then. Why so tired? So much of my life has been spent just needing “to close my eyes for 20 minutes,” and putting off for later what could have been done now. I work like a drone, because at least it keeps me busy and away from my laziness. I can complete tasks readily, if they are for someone else, so work has never been a problem for me. Outside of that though, I have slept a lot of my life away. I hope I never forget how tired I was because the amount of gratitude I have right now is tremendous. Thank you. gawky. I hope I never forget how tired I was, because the amount of grateful am right now, is tremendous. Thank you TMS!
Next post coming on August 31.